Saturday Story Time!
If you come in my bedroom, you’ll see an old Jif peanut butter lid hanging on the wall near my door with the words, “I love you!” written on the inside. Strange? Maybe a little, but four years ago this little message meant the world to me, and still makes me smile today.
I was 20 years old and studying abroad in Madrid, Spain, a far off land that lacks easy access to the very thing that sustains me: peanut butter. Zack and I had been dating for about six months, and he decided to come visit me for his spring break. We were doing a bit of long distance as he continued his studies back home in Saint Louis, and it had been extremely hard for us because as soon as that really gross, fresh puppy love had started, I moved.
So without copious amounts of peanut butter and Zack to sustain me, things had been a little tough. I was new to accepting my sexuality, and having a hard time fighting the toxic, self-hate, conservative narratives that were deeply rooted in my mind. The obvious, strong love I was feeling for Zack was in a constant battle with those narratives, and without the support of some close friends, ministers, and counselors near by, my mental health wasn’t the greatest. Not to mention this was my first time living abroad, in a culture with some similarities, but many differences from my own. I was often homesick. Thankfully I also developed a close friendship with my roommate for the four months, and found periods of peace, fun, and freedom in my travels and adventures; these things helped get me through. And so did that peanut butter lid.
When Zack came to visit, he brought me a large jar of Jif peanut butter, a gift from God above. Only after he left did I open the jar to find he had written, “I love you!” on the inside. Peanut Butter + Love = Happy Parker. (Just eating peanut butter by the way; don’t get any other ideas...) It was such a small gesture, but at a time when things were tough, it meant the world to me.
Over the past four years, including periods of time when Zack and I took a break from our relationship to work though different battles, I could never bring myself to throw this piece of plastic away. Something about it had become sacred.
This past August, Zack and I hadn’t been speaking for about 7 months. We both needed time to answer some personal questions, and grown as independent, young men. But when I began to realize and admit the depth of Zack and I’s connection, and feel the pull toward healing and commitment growing, one of my best friends, Niamh, and I worked out a plan. And of course it involved another peanut butter lid.
I approached Zack as soon as I moved to the Pacific Northwest, where he is also now living. Niamh had roadtripped with me as I moved from Saint Louis to Portland, and we decided to take a day trip with our friend Kaja to Seattle to see Zack and the city. As soon as we met up with him, it took everything in me to keep from literally tackling him to the floor and never letting go. The last time I had seen him was a year previous when he had dropped me off at the Chicago airport for my flight to India to serve a L’Arche community there for a year.
The emotional tension was strong, confirming all the feelings I had been working through on my own. We spent part of the day exploring the city, until finally I was able to pull Zack aside while Niamh and Kaja left to explore a park on their own. He and I found a quiet corner bar, and sat down at a little table on the sidewalk patio to have a beer and talk. I couldn’t wait much longer, so I pulled out a little jar of Jif peanut butter, set it on the table, and told him to open it.
He knew exactly what I referencing, and when he opened it, he let out an awkward chuckle because on the inside of the lid I had written, “Let’s get married.”
Was I proposing to him? Not exactly. It was a bit of a joke to get us started (Zack understands my humor), and so as the conversation continued, I explained that I had thought it through. That after four years of growth and love both together and apart, if he and I were to enter into a relationship again, we either needed to commit for the long haul or just walk away now. I explained how the deep connection I felt between us was not going away, and how I knew in my heart that if both of us fought for it and committed, then what we have could be so beautiful and lifegiving. He told me that’s all he ever wanted.
We exchanged apologies, I love you’s, and a long-awaited kiss, and left the bar holding hands to meet up with our friends who celebrated our reunion—all with the little jar of Jif peanut butter bouncing around in my backpack.
Zack and I’s relationship is not perfect. We have our lows and our highs, our good moments and our bad moments, but we know that something will always keep us sticking together. Maybe it’s the love, maybe it’s the peanut butter, or maybe it’s both, but whatever it is, my heart is happy it’s stuck to his.
Keep peace and keep creating,
Parker <3
P.S. Think Jif would sponsor us?
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