This morning I am reminded of the mornings in college when I would wake up at 5am to finish papers for class. I would do this because I could not stay awake while writing them the night before.
It was and continues to be a running joke among my friends that if it is late, I might fall asleep while in the middle of [insert simple task here]. I would even be having serious conversations, and despite complete desire to remain attentive, would find my head doing the old "Bend and Snap" from Legally Blonde. There was no hiding it—I was tired.
College wore me out. Or maybe I should say I wore myself out in college. If you glanced at my schedule junior or senior year, you would think I was taking ten courses per semester instead of just four or five. Different colored boxes decorated my google calendar like patchwork on a quilt, and each color was attributed to categories such as classes, meetings, first job, second job, volunteer hours, rehearsals, and scheduled lunches with friends. The white space in between these boxes (a.k.a. my "free" time) was slim, and split between attempts at self care, freelance projects, a struggling social life, and, oh right, my schoolwork. I look back at it now, and shake my head.
It was a mix between the university culture, and my own natural tendencies to care too much and overcommit. At my university it seemed if you wanted to be known on campus, then you better be involved in at least four clubs or organizations, and hold a leadership position for six of them. Or give campus tours. I am being a bit sarcastic, but when I look back, it seems like this is what I strived to achieve. I was always over-involved, even to the point of working an internship with the actual campus Student Involvment Center. I didn't want to miss any opportunities.
And on one hand, I didn't. I took challenging courses, was involved in impactful organizations and groups, and worked some great jobs (and some not so great ones). I learned to coordinate time, teams, retreats, and events. I learned to skim my textbooks like a champ, and finish my term papers before sunrise. Meaning I also learned to function on three or four hours of sleep, and work hard even when it wasn't work I wanted to be doing. My successes made me feel better, my failures made me better, and through it all I discovered what it meant to be a student, a minister, and a leader. Not to mention, I built some incredible relationships throughout the four years. But sadly, I lost some as well.
I cared so much about the work I was doing, that I often struggled to maintain a healthy personal life. When you add things like coming out, falling in love, exploring spirituality, exploring politics, making new friends, keeping up with old friends, and being a son, grandson, brother, etc. to the mix of obligations mentioned above, things can get pretty overwhelming pretty fast. I struggled with self-care, and if you weren't a someone I would see regularly in my schedule, it wasn't likely we were going to have the greatest relationship. Though my younger brother and I went to the same school, we didn't get together nearly enough. I rarely made time to work out or even just go for a walk. I dragged my boyfriend to this event I helped plan or that thing I was involved in, instead of out for a date. I built a full resumé, but left an empty artist's portfolio. I worked a lot of weekends, instead of going home or out for drinks. And... well you get the idea. These are some opportunities that I missed.
In the end, I don't regret my college experience. I remained positive and cheerful, have a "SLU" of fond memories, and learned some truly life-changing lessons along the way. I was always trying to do my best, and that is all I can ever hope to do. Yet, I am thankful to have learned more lessons since, and if I could offer my college self any advice it would be this: Find a balance—working hard is important, but not at the cost of relationships or personal health. Let go sooner of the people or spaces that don't give you joy, build you up, or make you better. And respect yourself as much as you respect others. It doesn't matter if you are in school or not. The sooner each of us practices these things, the more fulfilled we all will be.
Keep peace and keep creating,
Parker <3
P.S. I would like to add that while college can be a challenging time, it is also an extreme privilege and never should be taken for granted. I am incredibly thankful for my education and those that helped me achieve it.
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