I have a secret to tell. Growing up I was decently gullible and naive, and as a teenager I discovered that my peers found this to be funny. So I would often play up my cluelessness to get attention. It became a pretty big part of my personality. I found myself pretending to get lost or confused, or even purposefully misspelling simple words just to get a laugh. It was pretty silly. If one good thing came from it, it was that I learned how to laugh at myself, but some years later I started to notice being clueless really isn't cute.
As a young adult I realized my play at cluelessness was actually a cover up for my lack of confidence. If I "didn't have a clue," then I didn't have to have an opinion or an answer either. I could float in this in between space of sorts, and shy away from any assertive actions or decisions.
I have always been smart, but have not always been confident. Thankfully, in my twenties I began to find the conviction to change that. I wanted attention for the things I was doing or sharing, not the things I was missing. I began to take on more leadership roles, jobs, and personal projects, and I knew I needed to be confident to be taken seriously. It was a strange, but I even wanted my humor to be taken seriously—I wanted my friends to laugh with me, not at me. I wanted to be sure of who and what I was presenting to the world.
Now don't get me wrong. We can all be a little clueless at times. This is natural. But our culture has romanticized it a bit. I think of characters like Phoebe Buffay from Friends. Honestly, she is my favorite character, and it is her naïveté that makes her so lovable. I appreciate the humor it brings to the show, but it is not something I would want to try to emulate—her kindness, her creativity, her carefree spirit: sure, but not her cluelessness.
Another one of my favorite fictional characters is Luna Lovegood from the Harry Potter franchise. Luna could be considered naive, but I would argue differently. She is quite smart. What makes her seem naive is that she doesn't care to follow social standards. She is confident in herself, carefree, humorous, and reliable. These are all things I would like to emulate.
So I guess in the end I found confidence to be more attractive than cluelessness. I wanted to be appreciated for the humor, spirit, and work I was contributing to the world. I wanted to find conviction in my beliefs, knowledge, and self. I wanted nerve, and poise, and boldness. And I think I still am on my way, always will be, but at least I am not purposefully misspelling words to make people laugh anymore.
Keep peace and keep creating,
Parker <3
